“If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?!” - RuPaul
If you are feeling you are not worthy of being in a loving relationship and if you are not going to be, “his/her loss” when someone rejects you, don’t start creating an online profile or dating. If you can’t see yourself positively, no one is going to and you probably have things you need to sort through and I am sorry, but that is pretty much all on you and your loyal friends. Someone who doesn’t know you yet is not going to remind you that you are amazing because it is JUST that…they don’t know you! And they can’t tell you you’re amazing with true validation because they don’t KNOW you.
Bring the best you to the table! Dating is fun, exciting, adventurous and lighthearted to start with. If someone immediately has to soothe, console and reassure you of things, I am betting that they won’t stick around! Confidence is VERY important and you don’t want someone to date you just because they actually pity you and don’t think you can handle the rejection!
Really all 4 of these things go hand-in-hand and I have seen way to many people online that are willing to basically commit to something long term with ALMOST anyone with two feet and a heartbeat! I have had men online, message me interested in jumping into a serious commitment before even meeting face-to-face. Or we do meet face-to-face (I tend to do this sooner than later) and it is like they’ve had an idealized date in their head and your answers aren’t on queue. Don’t you want to be with someone compatible? You’re ideals can be round pegs and you’re trying to shove a square peg in there whereas I believe you should develop something with that other person that works for the both of you and that happens when you take time, date, learn about each other, have amazing sex and then make a decision that you are compatible and in love.
The immediate jumpintosomethingserious might work for some but for the most part, you will just end up disappointed, frustrated and think there’s no one out there for you and there is, just don’t rush it! Take your time and have fun on the journey; meeting new people, doing dates in different parts of the city you haven’t seen before etc.
OMG, deal with your own stuff before bringing it to others that you want to be into you! People you know, they love you and they help you deal with this, OR love yourself enough and sort through and deal with it toute seule. This is much better than bringing it to someone else you are into, and laying it all out there before the first few dates are over. This ties in with both of the things above.It is TOXIC to a new “blossoming” love, or to any sort of inkling of love (or lust), and you end up having these expectations and generalizations of those you are trying to start anew with because it happened before. It shuts people out and puts up walls and you just need to deal with it first before jumping into dating game again! This doesn’t mean it’s all gonna go away, but deal with it privately, with friends or at least wait until you’re TOGETHER-together to reveal it all.
4) Weird Expectations
Obviously you have standards, or at least I hope you would, for who you would date and that is actually all part of self respect when dating; you know your limits and boundaries and have a general idea of what you are looking for, but don’t jump into a crazy mental check list of expectations or list them off for someone (if they don’t meet basic standards, it’s understandable) you plan on dating.
Let things evolve naturally and you’ll both be that much happier in the end. You may think you are wasting time by not ensuring every date gets all 50 checks on your list of requirements but let yourself be surprised by who you are into, evolve, make mistakes and also learn about yourself and maybe learn what your thresholds are ie. one thing that one person does may seem HORRIBLE but if “the Person” you are really into, does the same thing, it might not be so bad because they bring so many other amazing things to the table.
I need to remind myself this!!
“Do not tell everyone your story. You will only end up feeling more rejected. People cannot give you what you long for in your heart. The more you expect from people’s response to your experience of abandonment, the more you will feel exposed to ridicule.””
It sucks when someone you have feelings for doesn’t share those feelings; it happens to women all the time, too. We hear “I just want to be friends” and “you’re like one of the guys” and “you’re like a sister to me” just as often. But you’ll never hear a woman complain that guys just don’t appreciate a Nice Girl because we’re taught it’s our own fucking fault when we’re rejected—we aren’t pretty enough or thin enough or sexy enough, we weren’t sexual enough or were too sexual, we put out too much or too little or too soon or not soon enough, we didn’t wear our hair the right way or our skirt the right length, we’re “too tomboyish” or “too butch” or “too feminine”, or we’re “not their type”, or we’re otherwise not good enough in various ways to entice the man to grace us with his affection.
But when we’re not interested in someone, we’re vilified. We’re the bitch that lead them on, the bitch who let them buy us dinner but didn’t want to date them, the bitch who doesn’t appreciate a nice guy, the bitch they were nice to and then got nothing in return from.
And, frankly, fuck those people. Showing interest in me, being friendly with me, getting close to me, or eating a meal with me (even if they paid for it) doesn’t obligate me to open my heart or my legs. And anyone who doesn’t appreciate my friendship sure as hell doesn’t deserve my love or my pussy.”